From the Halls of Rock: A Formal Complaint

To: Professor Nightshade, The Seventh Atelier, Purveyor of Alchemical Curiosities

From: King Brokk Ironbeard, Sovereign of the Stoneheart Clan, Lord of the Underdeep, and Keeper of the Sacred Oaths

Date: The day after my forge-master's beard smelled of fruit.

My apologies for the chisel-mark through the word, but I am writing to you directly, as this matter requires the utmost seriousness.

You sent my forge-master a teapot. A teapot, you understand. A vessel intended to contain the fires of the earth itself, to provide a constant source of molten brew for my most dedicated smiths. We purchased your "Ever-Burning Elemental Infusion Kettle," and your advertising promised a vessel fueled by the very heart of the world. It was to be a tool of industry, a symbol of our unyielding craft!

It is not. It is a vessel of fruit.

The moment my forge-master filled it with our ceremonial lava—a brew that has been in my family for generations, mind you—a sickening, overly sweet aroma filled the air. My entire royal forge, a hall of glorious fire and the scent of tempered steel, now smells faintly of peaches. Peaches!

This is an indignity of the highest order. My forge-master, a dwarf whose beard has not known the scent of anything but ore and honest sweat, now carries the faint aroma of a summer orchard. He walks with shame, and the younger dwarves mock him, calling him "Peaches."

This is not a matter of a faulty product. This is a matter of dignity. A dwarf's forge is a sacred place. We do not tolerate the presence of soft fruit in our holiest of halls. It is unseemly.

I demand a full refund and a proper apology. I have no need for a kettle that promises a fierce, fiery brew but delivers a dainty floral infusion. I am not a garden gnome. I am a dwarf king. And my forge will not smell of peaches.

I await your response.

By my honor and my beard,

King Brokk Ironbeard

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Professor Nightshade's Reply: A Formal Clarification

 

To: King Brokk Ironbeard

From: Professor Nightshade

My dearest King,

I have received your chiseled missive and understand your frustration. However, I believe there has been a significant misunderstanding regarding the product you purchased.

The "Ever-Burning Elemental Infusion Kettle" is indeed fueled by the heart of the earth. But as any advanced alchemist knows, the elemental planes are not just fire and stone; they are also life and energy. The kettle is designed to transmute the raw, chaotic energy of the forge into a comforting, restorative heat. The peach aroma you detect is not a flaw; it is a signature of this life-giving essence, a sign that the kettle is working as intended.

It is a feature, not a bug.

This vessel was designed to warm the spirit of the craftsman, not merely to boil his fluids. The scent is meant to calm the mind and soothe the soul after a long day of strenuous labor. It is a subtle note of comfort, not a sign of weakness. It is meant for a thoughtful brew of herbal tea, not for the boiling of lava.

I can, however, offer a solution. I will send a full-strength vial of my "Anti-Floral Decoction," which should restore the traditional smells of your forge. As a courtesy, I will also include a complimentary supply of my "Grit and Grog" coffee blend, brewed with crushed meteorites and the essence of a volcanic eruption—a brew that, I assure you, will smell only of pure, unadulterated strength.

I trust this resolution meets your standards of dignity.

Yours in continued good spirits,

Professor Nightshade