How to tell if your Cat is actually a Fiendish Familiar
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Greetings, alchemists, wizards, and cat owners of all realms.
Professor Nightshade here, from the Seventh Atelier. I've been asked a rather... specific question lately. Something along the lines of, "Professor, is my cat... evil?" It's a valid concern! After all, the line between an ordinary feline and a loyal, yet demonic, familiar is often as thin as a single strand of arcane hair.
I've been in the field for centuries, and I've seen my share of mischievous companions. While most are just terribly clever, some are here for a deeper, more nefarious purpose. Here are a few tell-tale signs to help you discern if your furry friend is a familiar from the great beyond.
1. The "Gift" They Bring You
Normal Cat: They bring you a dead mouse, a moth, or perhaps a crumpled leaf from the garden. It's a sweet, if slightly grim, gesture.
Evil Familiar: It brings you a phylactery, a single, glowing eye of a long-dead lich, or perhaps a small, pulsating orb of pure chaos. It presents these gifts with the same indifferent meow, as if to say, "I saw this in the Abyss and thought of you."
2. The Unwavering Stare
Normal Cat: They stare at a blank wall, a dust mote in the air, or the empty space behind you. It's creepy, but probably just a trick of the light.
Evil Familiar: The stare is unsettlingly direct. You can feel its gaze on your back even when it’s not in the room. When you turn, its pupils are mere pinpricks, and you feel the ancient weight of a forgotten language being judged in the deep recesses of your soul.
3. The Purr
Normal Cat: A low, rumbly vibration that signals contentment and affection. It's a comforting sound that can help you relax.
Evil Familiar: Its purr is less a sound and more a frequency that resonates in your core. It doesn't make you feel relaxed; it makes you feel like you're being attuned to a dark, forbidden knowledge. You might also notice small objects floating when it's particularly pleased.
4. The "Making Biscuits"
Normal Cat: It kneads your chest with its paws, a soothing rhythmic motion that shows deep comfort and trust.
Evil Familiar: It kneads your chest, but you notice a faint, glowing sigil of a powerful summoning spell being drawn into your skin. You feel your energy being siphoned, but it's so comfortable you don't even mind until you wake up the next morning feeling oddly drained.
5. Their Pickiness
Normal Cat: It will only eat one specific type of wet food, refuses the salmon flavor, and will turn its nose up at a bowl that's not sparkling clean.
Evil Familiar: It will only accept offerings of fresh-caught squirrels or the tender meat of a firstborn marsupial. The food bowl is irrelevant, as it prefers to eat directly from the essence of your mortal fears.
So, there you have it. If your cat just stares at you while kneading your chest with a bit of a purr, you’re probably fine. But if it does so while bringing you a stolen soul gem... well, then it's time to invest in a very powerful, very large can of tuna. Just to be safe.