The Immortal Menace (Ragnar the Ruinous #7)

"Journal Entry, Stardate… well, I've lost track. Somewhere between 'utter exhaustion' and 'existential despair.' Professor Eldrin Nightshade here, chronicling a most perplexing (and frankly, infuriating) development in the ongoing saga of Ragnar the Ruinous. After weeks of escalating chaos, from the strategic deployment of glitter-bombs to the inexplicable re-alphabetization of my vintage spice collection by scent, I resolved to take a definitive, final, and utterly absolute measure. I would annihilate the creature."

• The 'Final Solution' (A Moment of Desperation): After much deliberation (and several cups of Remedy Revitalizer), I devised a plan of unparalleled alchemical precision. It involved a highly reactive anti-matter-adjacent compound, a precision-calibrated temporal displacement field, and a strategically placed decoy scone infused with concentrated catnip. My aim? To render Ragnar utterly, irrevocably, and quite thoroughly… unpresent.

• The Annihilation Attempt (A Most Glorious Failure): I lured Ragnar into a specially warded chamber, the decoy scone shimmering enticingly. With a flourish worthy of a grand alchemical opera, I activated the compound, initiated the displacement field, and braced for the inevitable. There was a brilliant flash, a sound like a thousand tiny cymbals playing simultaneously, and a faint scent of burnt toast. When the smoke cleared… Ragnar was gone! I almost wept with triumph!

• The Horrifying Revelation (A Mere Fifteen Seconds Later): My moment of glorious victory was, alas, tragically brief. Precisely fifteen seconds later, a familiar, accusatory chitter echoed from behind me. Ragnar, completely unharmed, casually sauntered into the lab, a half-eaten actual scone (one of my emergency reserves!) clutched in his tiny paw. He gave me a look that plainly said, 'Is that all you've got?' He seemed… refreshed. Perhaps even energized. The temporal displacement, it seems, merely afforded him a delightful (and very rapid) snack break in a slightly different dimension.

• The Unavoidable Conclusion (Immortal Menace): I've run the calculations. I've consulted forbidden texts. I've even tried reasoning with the creature using interpretive dance (he just looked confused, then stole my dancing shoes). There can be only one explanation: Ragnar the Ruinous is, for reasons entirely unknown and deeply unsettling to my scientific sensibilities, immortal. Or, at the very least, inconveniently indestructible. He is immune to displacement, resistant to glitter-bombs, and apparently, thrives on my despair.

• A New Path (Acceptance, and Perhaps a Tiny Collar): My attempts at annihilation have merely served to prove his… permanence. One cannot defeat what simply refuses to be defeated. Therefore, I've decided to pivot. If I cannot banish him, I shall endeavor to… integrate him. I am now researching advanced raccoon behavioral conditioning techniques. I'm considering attempting to train the beast to fetch (though I suspect he'll only fetch my lost items, and probably bring back something else entirely). The Seventh Atelier, it seems, has a new, furry, perpetually disruptive, and un-killable pet. I suppose a tiny, engraved collar wouldn't hurt. And perhaps a very small, very reinforced personal tea set. All for the sake of science, of course. And my remaining scones.

Yours in reluctant acceptance (and the faint hope he can learn to operate a broom),

Professor Eldrin Nightshade Alchemist of the Seventh Atelier